sham: a review of society

Supplemental (Nov. '99-Jan. '00)

A Letter from the Editor

Finally, the Rock has come back to Syracuse!

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. It's better than Christmas and the Fourth of July and even Boxing Day. I love being someone else.

That's right: being someone else. Some people just dress up physically for Halloween. I get into character. Sophomore year, I was Eric Cartman and last year I was one of those annoying little bastards that tries to force you to buy M&Ms (a phenomenon that I don't believe is unique to the S.U. Hill). Well, those kids can take their little bags of M&Ms, shine 'em up real nice, turn the sons-of-bitches sideways, and... wait... I'm still in character...

This year, I needed something bigger. This year, I decided to dress up (physically and vocally) as the Great One, the People's Champ, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment today, the Rock!

The first step was to emulate the Rock's peanut butter complexion. In order to do this, I took a tip from my sister, and bought a couple of bottles of Bath & Body Works Sunless Tanner (Tangy Tangerine). I applied a layer of this to my ENTIRE body on Thursday night, and went to sleep. What do you know? I woke up with a peanut butter complexion.

Next, came the hair. Thursday night, I shaved my sideburns to a point. Then, on Friday, Ania (one of my roommates) and I colored my hair, using L'oreal's Starry Night black hair dye. It went on blue, but looked pretty black after I did the first rinse. Immediately following this rinse, I exfoliated, and applied another layer of Sunless Tanner. After all, I wanted to maintain my peanut butter complexion.

Friday afternoon, I gathered what I needed from the mall. I had already borrowed a Three-hundred-dollar shirt from my old pal Mike and had a nice pair of black pants. I went to Ames and bought some black socks (since I didn't have nearly enough black socks for the whole weekend), a pair of six-hundred-dollar shoes, some wrestling boots, elbow pads, a two-hundred-dollar gold chain, a twelve-hundred-dollar-watch and a pair of four-hundred-dollar sunglasses.

The wrestling trunks were an issue. I couldn't find a Speedo anywhere at the Carousel Center (the hub of Central New York), so I went down to the Finish Line, where a very nice high-school girl found me a pair of large women's, spandex biking shorts. With the legs cut off (and hemmed by Ania), these would do as trunks. I was all set.

I went home and my friend Pete drew on some People's eyebrows for me, as well as a Brahma Bull tattoo. The costume was good enough for Friday, but would be improved for Saturday.

So I went out Friday night and found a whole bunch of people who wanted to go one on one with the Great One. There were also many jabronis who needed to know their roles and shut their mouths. Most importantly, I got to meet the millions and millions of the Rock's fans. It's nice to meet new people. One jabroni looked like a three-hundred-pound monkey came to Syracuse, took a crap, and out came this candy ass. He put the stunner on me, so I had no choice but to take him down to the corner of Jabroni Drive and Know Your Role Boulevard and check his ass directly into the Smackdown Hotel.

There's nothing better than going out as someone else. You start to lose all of your inhibitions, and you really loosen up and have a lot of fun. Walking around the cold streets of Syracuse in nothing but elbow pads, rubber boots and briefs helps, too.

As much fun as I had on Friday, nothing could compare with how much fun I had on Saturday.

There were two things that had to be done before I could go out. First, Pete put the finishing touches on my trunks by painting the Brahma Bull on them (which rocks). Second, I noticed that my hair was changing color. In some light, the hair looked blue. Plus, around the edges of my face, the Sunless Tanner had caused my hair to turn brown. Permanent black magic marker was the temporary solution.

On my second night out, I had two companions: Kevin and Pete, as Mankind and Kane, respectively. Both of their costumes were great, and they both stayed in character when we were out walking. Pete was stoic, and Kevin said, "hello" and, "have a nice day!" to virtually everyone we passed. And their costumes were awesome. Kevin was recognized as Mankind by more people than recognized the Great One! I guess those dozens and dozens of Mankind's fans are all from Syracuse.

Finally, it was time for the Rock to do what the Rock does best and layeth the smacketh down on roody poo candy asses. Which I did. You can now watch the video using this link. If you don't have the right plugin or application, there are exactly two things that you can do about that: nothing and like it.

We all had fun, and we performed our stunts for audiences small and large, alike. I stayed in character the whole night. I couldn't have had a better time (even if I had been served up a piece of poon-tang pie).

I wish I could tell you about each and every encounter, but there really isn't enough room for that here. Suffice it to say that Halloween was a great experience, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'!

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What you are seeing is a sneak peak at the future of "Sham" and the rest of the Seafood Cheeselog Trio productions. Stay tuned for more new content, very soon!

Chris Guerette

And that, my friends, is a Sham

2000 Seafood Cheeselog Trio