Abridged
April, 1997
Yes folks, it's springtime. The time of year when a man's fancy turns to the fairer sex, and to Hawaiian Punch.
It was a warm Friday in March, a rare day in Syracuse. I was at lunch with my friends Kevin and Eric. It seemed like a normal enough lunch: Grilled Cheese and French Fries. I never would have guessed what was going to come of that lunch.
In our illustrious Gra(S)ham Dining Hall, your drinks come from a machine: Milk from a Milk Machine, OJ from an OJ Machine, Juice from a Juice Machine, and Soda and Brand Name Juice from a Soda and Brand Name Juice Machine. The Soda and Brand Name Juice Machine does the most work. It mixes syrup concentrate versions of the drinks it advertises with spring (hose) or carbonated water. I guess the hose must have sprung a leak, because there was no bubbleless water issuing from the Machine- only darkest scarlet Hawaiian Punch Syrup.
"What could be wrong with Hawaiian Punch Syrup?" I thought. I took about five-sixths of a cup of the fluid, viscous as it was, and mixed it with a little water from the Juice Macine. The color didn't change.
I brought the concoction back to the table where I rejoined our friends Kevin and Eric. We talked, complained about the food, and stared at the drink. I decided I'd take a little sip.
It was a strong elixir. I could feel it in my neck. I'd leave it, I thought. What good could come of drinking that?
Kevin and Eric had a different idea.
"Drink it," they said, "Aren't you man enough?"
It was springtime. I was foolish. I wasn't going to let them tell me that I wasn't man enough- even if they were kidding.
I downed it.
I slammed an entire glass of Hawaiian Punch Syrup.
My senses reeled.
Everything got blurry.
I was high on Hawaiian Punch.
There was no going back, only coming down.
Kids, don't try this at home. A Hawaiian Punch high only lasts for about 3 seconds. Then your body goes into shock.
My stomach tensed. I pretended to take it like a man. I took my tray and headed for the conveyer belt that would carry it to the nether regions of the kitchen. It was difficult to walk straight.
Exactly one hour later I found myself in a public bathroom with the worst case of scoots I'd ever experienced in my short history.
Later that day, as it began to rain, I saw four guys sitting in front of Hendricks Chapel drinking Coca-Cola as a form of artistic expression. I'm still not sure if that was the Hawaiian Punch talking or whether I had accidentally stumbled onto the Vassar campus. Either way, that must be a different story.
Anyway, back to Sham. As you may have noticed, I've discovered anti-aliasing, and cleaned up most of the images. This issues contains new updates to the HB Taxonomy, an archival version of Poetry Corner, and the First Annual Shammy Awards. Other additions include the BrakOS, which is available at Metallus' Link Page, and updates to The Electron Cloud and The Orange Crate. I've also added some more Soul Coughing links to the Sound Bytes page.
Later this month, expect the re-release of TORFQuest, HTML enhanced for play over the internet. Check back daily for updates. Also, I expect to be hearing from Captain Scurvy.
Scroll down a little more to see the winners of the "Name the Costume Contest" as well as an update on the world around us from David.
As always, I encorage you to send me anything you think is humorous, informative or weird. I have one more issue to put out for this season.
*I just found something new (Thanks, Gautam). It's a web page here at Syracuse that logs and has logged every hit to every page on the server. It's more accurate than my overseas counter service, and has been monitoring hits since I first published Issue 1. The site is updated every week, and I am currently ranked 51 in hits. Let's get into the top ten! Let's beat Gautam! Sham rocks!
Name the Costume Contest
Here are the winners from the "Name the Costume" contest. I had hoped to have a top ten list, but I didn't get enough entries. Anyway, here are the top three entries. Congratulations to Mike who would have won a "Peep," if I hadn't purposefully dropped it between Nic and John, causing them to drop their Nintendo 64 controllers and fight for it (John won).
- 3.
- "Don't Play with Fire" -Dave Oslander
- 2.
- "Lord Zorgon of the Evil Galactic Empire" -Captain Scurvy
- 1.
- "Losing-your-virginity Man" -Mike Stutzman
(It's covered in latex, it's kinda uncomfortable, and a little scary)
A Sham-mail conversation
These e-mail messages from a South American hotel and our field reporter, David (who had an earlier run in with Jesus himself). If you have any similar correspondence, feel free to send them to me.
From Campo Grande
OUR CROCODILES DON'T BITE
(but our mosquitoes do)
Going on vacation? Try something REALLY DIFFERENT! Come to Campo Grande, MS Brazil. The plane fare to Sao Paulo or to Rio or to Campo Grande Mato Grosso do Sul is the same, and we have an international airport here too. 
HERE THERE ARE LESS FORMALITIES, it's less expensive and there are no BIG CITY RIPOFFS.
Why not try fishing and sight seeing in our Pantanal, 2300 square miles of pure nature and an unforgettable adventure, something to talk about for the rest of your life! Bring a lot of film.
We are two hours from the Pantanal. It can be reached by bus, car, or plane, 150 miles in a straight line, by asfalt highway. It's the Everglades of South America, only 20 times bigger.
Our reptile friends are called "jacare" (jack-a-ray), a type of small aligator that is calm. They'll only attack you when the female is hatching her eggs out in the pastures (a couple of months a year). Our catfish are called "surubim" (soo-roo-been), 'Pseudoplatystoma corruscans', or "jau" (ja-ooh), 'Paliscea luetkeni', or "pintado" (pin-ta-dooh), and they weigh up to 200 lbs. We have also the Golden, "dourado",'Salminus brevidens', up to 50 lbs., a scaled golden very edible fish that fights like tuna, salmon or trout. He'll jump 4 or 5 feet out of the water when he hits the bait, and it might take 20 minutes to boat him. He's a sly one! There are 30 types of game fish here.
We've got the "tuiuiu" (to-you-you) as a symbol. It's a beautiful bird - black and white and red, long-legged specie, with a three foot high nest. There are 600 other species.
There are dozens of small hotels to acomodate you, between Campo Grande and Corumb˝, on the Bolivian border, many farm hotels, most of them furnish guides, boats, bait,and motors, and a healthy local meal -consisting of rice, beans, chicken, fish, beef, tomato, lettuce and onion salads. But typical food is served by everyone, as well as a splendid variety of South American fruits such as pineaples, banana, papaya, mangoes, and oranges that complement your diet. Here, oranges come in 12 types and we have more than 50 fruit juices that will freak out your taste buds. No lamb, no lobsters.
Now, if you're thinking of coming out on holliday, we'll be delighted to help you find a place, guides, motors, etc., in that Campo Grande is the jumping off place to the Pantanal.
"Hotel De" offers comfortable, smart acomodations, with a big pool, big air conditioners and cable TV (53 channels). We've got international breakfasts, room phones, Internet connections, bar, as well as an inside barbecue area.
We'd like to help you find your way around. Our rates are compatible with the local prices and maybe a better buy than most. We may even speak your language. One thing is for sure, you'll love it here and will be well received anywhere you go within the Pantanal.
If you're coming thru, stay with us. We've got nothing better to do than making your trip enjoyable.
Also remember, within a three hour radius, there are the national borders of Paraguay and Bolivia. Argentina is just a bit further. They are the consumers paradises. Low prices and quality goods.
We're waiting for you here in Campo Grande - Mato Grosso do Sul - Brazil.
Don't disapoint us - call us at 055-067-726-2055, or fax us at 055-067-726-4620, or send us an e-mail at 'dionross@alanet.com.br'.
We're just curious about you, as you must be about this hidden inland ecology adventure site.
"HOTEL DE" invites you to stay with us.
You can copy this and bring it to receive a 30% discount on present room prices, non cumulative.
The included photos are part of the wonderful collection that you can access at http://www.alanet.com.br/ms/pantanal/panti001.htm and others.
If your thinking of coming down, tell us when to pick you up at the airport by e-mail.
Get out of the cold and come stay with us for a few days.
We know that this letter is a bit long, but Tell us by e-mail what you're thinking, even if it's bad. If you want more info, e-mail us at dionross@alanet.com.br.
Thanks a lot,
DRK.
From David
If you contact me again, I'll press charges.-D
From Campo Grande
Press charges?You're in the States and we're in Brazil. If they moved your plate five inches you'd probably go hungry.
We send you a nice invitation trying to open up the world and different places and you threaten us? Is this what they're teaching you at your college? Is this what your parents' money is being spent on? They are being ripped off and you, my young friend, are really up tight over nothing. The doors are still open and we'll even treat you to a free bottle of Chivas and a good free Brazilian dinner. We'll even pick you up at the airport for free. Come fishing with us. Bring your camera and photograph our wilderness Pantanal.
Sincerely yours,
DRKPS.: We've tried fifteen thousand cases in the last fifteen years here before our retirement in September of 1996. We maintained the biggest law office west of the Parana River for ten years and still receive old honorary fees from three local attorneys that we trained personally. Stop pissing up a rope and come down and drink beer with us. The change of pace will do you good. Abracos.
From David
HOTEL DE LTDA wrote:
Press charges?
We send you a nice invitation trying to open up the world and different places and you threaten us? Is this what they're teaching you at your college?
oh, quite the contrary. do you remember writing this in your original mass mailing?
We know that this letter is a bit long, but Tell us by e-mail what you're thinking, even if it's bad.
at the time, i was thinking that if you were a respectable organization, that you would advertise yourself in magazines and newspapers and not infiltrate our email folders, spreading your false hospitality and capitalistic media. no sir, in school one can learn that the real world is not about pretty aligators and cute fishies, but the all-mighty dollar. and so, you can imagine my delight to have found your mass mailing in my mail folder, armed to the teeth with minute-made familiarity and computer images offered with a resounding, "buy me!". of course, i had no intent to press charges, but i layed out the bait and you snatched it right up, retorting with (could it be?) a thicker stench of piety. blessed is me to have been offered a chance to throw my money at the feet of cash-crazed Brazilians!! but no! don't be insulted or excited to respond, sir. i already know your sermon, "Enterprise...Enterprise...Enterprise..."
-D
And that, my friends, is a Sham
