A 10% Fruit Juice Production
of a D.H.H.S. Comedy Club/Seafood Cheeselog Trio short
written by Chris Guerette with Mike Stutzman
Original Cast
Number 1...............................Matt DeCapuaThe Play The curtain is closed, and all the action in the first scene occurs in front of it. The scene is set stage left. Michael and John lie ready for bed on the ground. Their sister, Wendy, is reading them a bedtime story. They make no sound, and are lighted only dimly. The Shadow lies on the ground stage right. Number 1, enters from between the curtains and goes to center stage. There is a spotlight on him.Wendy Darling..........................Leah Villane
Michael Darling........................Todd Collins
John Darling...........................Rob Speed
The Shadow.............................Tim Leonard
Peter Sham.............................Alit Bedik
Tacobell...............................Beth Duchardt
The Lost Boy...........................Krys Mroczowski
Captain Fork...........................Chris Guerette
Tiger Lily.............................Nicole Capiga
Christopher Walken, the Crocodile......Alex O'Neill
Old Man Jenkins........................Mike Stutzman
Number 1: Captain's Log, Supplemental. Stardate: 0301199690210. As First Mate I have found it neccessary to take control of the ship while the Captain is ill. His illness is thus far unclassified, but is marked by paranoid delusions and a severe rash. Have stopped over at the Never Land Station for further medical evaluation of the Captain.
Wendy begins to read audibly, as the spotlight moves to her. Number 1, exits the way he came in.
Wendy: Then, Peter Sham threw the Captain's hand to Christopher Walken, the terribile Crocodile, who swallowed it whole. Christopher Walken enjoyed his meal, and wanted to taste more of the Captain's flesh, but could never catch him. You see, Christopher always makes a "tick tock" noise when he comes near, because he has a clock hidden in his-
Peter: (from off stage) Bang!
W: What was that?
Michael: It came from over there! (points stage right, at the shadow)
The lights come up on the whole stage.
John: What is it Wendy? Is it Christopher Walken?
Wendy walks over to The Shadow
W: It looks like a shadow.
The Shadow gets up, and tries to runaway, but Wendy flips him over.
M: Whose shadow is it?
W: I don't-
Peter enters abrubtly from stage right.
P: It is mine.
W: Who are you?
P: Peter Sham, the boy who can fly!
W: You aren't really hung for that part, are you?
P: Well... I'm only a boy you know...
W: Oh, no, no, no I mean hung from the ceiling... to fly.
P: Oh, how embarrassing. No, I don't need expensive rigging to fly. All I need is a little help from my friend the fairy.
M: They prefer the term 'gay', not 'fairy'.
P: No, no. She's literally a fairy. Her name is Tacobell.
Enter Tacobell stage right.
T: (to Michael) Hello, little girl.
P: Anyway, like I was saying, all I need to fly is a little bit of fairy dust and happy thoughts.
T: But if you're really in a rush, you can substitute malt liquor and fantasies about Pamela Anderson.
Everyone stares daggers at Tacobell.
T: Hey, I heard it on 'Friends'. That makes it funny.
W: She's right.
They all laugh like madmen.
J: Can we fly to back Never Land with you?
P: Sure. You got the stuff, Taco?
T: Yep. Right here. (whips out a dime bag of tea)
P: Put that away! I meant the fairy dust.
T: Oh, right. (takes out a cloth bag of fairy dust, and hands it to Peter)
At this point, Tacobell, should be stage right, and to her left should be, in order, Peter, Wendy, Michael, and John.
P: (sprinkling the fairy dust on himself, Wendy, John, and Michael) Now, just think happy thoughts.
W: Graduation, Graduation, Graduation...
J: Snow Days, Snow Days, Snow Days...
M: Channel 99, Channel 99, Channel 99...
The curtain begins to open, but only halfway. Peter begins to dance around like he's flying.
P: We're flying!
J: No, you're tripping! This ain't flying!
T: Just shut up and play along him, it's easier that way.
Everyone else begins to dance around, going behind the curtain. The curtain begins to close again, but The Lost Boy comes out just before it closes completely. There is a spotlight on him. He wanders aimlessly stage right, tripping over The Shadow.
Lost Boy: Oh, I'm sorry Mr...?
Shadow: (taking off his mask) Mr. Shadow. I'm Peter Sham's shadow, and he went back to Never Land without me again.
LB: Never Land? You know where Never Land is?
S: Yeah, of course.
LB: Can you help me find it? I'm Lost.
S: Can't find your way home, eh?
LB: No, I'm just Lost, The Lost Boy, that is.
S: Oh, in that case, follow me.
The Shadow exits stage right, but The Lost Boy hits his head on the wall at stage right, and loses him. Instead, he wanders down the stairs and into the audience. The spotlight goes off of him, as the curtain begins to open.
Behind the curtain is Never Land. Captain Fork and Number 1 are sitting in a boat with Tiger Lily who is bound.
Captain Fork: Land ho!
TL: You can't call me a ho'! It says so in the Handbook.
CF: No, I mean, "Land, over there."
Number 1: Yes sir, I can see that. Now, can we please stop playing this childish pirate game?
CF: Game? Of what game do you speak? I play no games. I am Captain Fork, scourge of the seven seas! My arch-enemy is Peter Sham, who cut off my hand, which has now been replaced with a fork, and threw it to Christopher Walken, the Terribile Crocodile, who has a clock hidden in his-
Tiger Lily: Captain! Please, set me free. I see no point in holding me captive.
CF: Silence wench! I have plans for you!
P: (from offstage) Not if I can help it!
Enter Peter, Wendy, Michael, John, and Tacobell stage left.
CF: Peter Sham! My arch-enemy!
They duel for a few seconds, but Peter wins hands down. Captain Fork falls over, taking Number 1 with him.
P: Come on Princess Tiger Lily, I'll return you to your father!
TL: Thanks anyway pal, but I can get home myself. (she unties herself) I was only going along with that crazy Captain Fork so I could get Number 1's phone number, and then you came and screwed that all up. Thanks a lot!
P: But I thought you were an innocent Indian Princess in distress.
TL: I'm a Native American, you clod. And I'm not a helpless little girl, I'm a woman. Leave me alone!
Exit Tiger Lily stage right.
P: Oh, well. At least I still have you, Wendy.
W: Oh, Peter...
Peter and Wendy exit stage right.
J: There's something odd about that boy Peter Sham.
M: That's right, John. There's a reason he doesn't have to wear a codpiece.
J: What's a codpiece?
M: Well...
Michael and John exit stage right. Tacobell is sitting down angrily stage left. Captain Fork and Number 1 come to.
#1: Captain, are you okay?
CF: Yes, I think so. But I think it's time I invest in a codpiece- Tacobell!
T: Hey, Captain Fork.
CF: Tacobell, why didn't you leave with Peter Sham?
T: It's that Wendy chick. She's movin' in on my turf. Peter Sham is my man!
#1: There's something you should know about your, ahem, 'man'-
CF: Silence, you scurvy dog! The beautiful Lady was speaking. Now, my darling, what were you saying?
T: I hate that Wendy! I wish she would just disappear!
CF: Well, then, I'll capture her and make her my love slave!
T: Why?
CF: Anyway, if you want Wendy out of the way, just tell me where Peter Sham took her.
T: To his house, in the jungle-
#1: You mean rainforest.
CF: Shut up!
T: Yes, in the rainforest, under Hangman's Tree.
CF: Ha-ha! Number 1, set your phaser to stun.
#1: What?
CF: Shoot her! Whack her! Bust a cap in her--
#1: I get the picture.
Number 1 shoots Tacobell who freezes.
CF: Haarrhh! Now that I know where Peter Sham lives, I shall have my revenge!
The curtain closes. Wendy, Michael and John come out from stage left and go to center stage. There is a spotlight on them.
W: Now, you two go off to bed and I'll see that Peter gets tucked in before I read you a story. Oh, that Peter, I love the way he calls me 'mommy'.
M: I think it's sick and twisted.
Michael leaves stage right.
J: Wendy?
W: Yes, John?
J: What's a codpiece?
W: It's a piece of armor.
J: Where does it go?
W: Go to bed, John.
John exits stage right.
W: (to audience) I think I may love him, that Peter Sham. He's so different from all the other boys; So in touch with his feminine side.
Enter Captain Fork, carrying a bomb, and Number 1 stage right.
CF: Get her, Number 1!
Number 1 grabs Wendy, who screams.
CF: Hmm, Peter Sham doesn't seem to be home. That's okay, I'll just leave this bomb for him. He'll think it's a gift from you, Wendy! Number 1, set a course for my secret hideout!
#1: Aye, Aye, Cap'n! Hey, I kinda' like this pirate stuff.
CF: Engage!
They exit stage right, but the spotlight stays on the bomb. The Lost Boy climbs on to the stage from the audience.
LB: Hey, a package! I wonder if it will help me find my way home.
He picks up the bomb and exits stage left. There is a loud explosion. Then the curtain opens again to reveal Captain Fork and Number 1 with their prisoners: Wendy, Michael, and John.
#1: Captain, did you hear that explosion? It was your bomb! Peter Sham is dead!
CF: Yes, it would seem that way.
#1: Should I proceed with disposing of the hostages?
CF: Make it so.
P: (from offstage) Belay that order, Number 1!
Peter and Tacobell enter stage left.
CF: Peter Sham and Tacobell!
P: That's right, we've come to save the day!
Enter Christopher Walken, the Terribile Crocodile stage right. Everyone looks at him.
CW: Hello, I'm Christopher Walken, the Terribile Crocodile. I have come to finish eating Captain Fork. Every other time I tried to eat him, he heard the "tick tock" sound coming from the clock hidden in my-
CF: Noo! You'll never catch me, I can run until you die of dyssentary from that clock inside you!
Captain Fork jumps off the stage, and runs out into the audience, leaving through a door in the back of the auditorium.
CW: Oh well. I guess I'll have to go get a burritto instead.
W: Oh, Peter Sham, you saved my life! I think... I... love you!
M: Wait a minute! Wendy, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that Peter Sham is a woman?
W: What?
P: It's true.
W: Oh, my! I guess I don't love you.
T: But I still love you, Peter. Even if you don't wear a codpiece. Won't you please take me back?
P: Of course I will.
They hug.
J: (to Christopher Walken) Mr. Walken, can you tell me what a codpiece is?
CW: Well...
Enter Old Man Jenkins stage left, with broom.
#1: Oh, no it's Old Man Jenkins, the guy who owns the stage!
OMJ: Git off my stage, the lot o' ya'.
Proceeds to shoo them off
OMJ: (turns to audience) That's it, show's over, get the hell outta my theater!
Curtain
If you would like to perform "Peter Sham" or know what a codpiece is, write the author.
If you would like information about the DHHS Comedy Club, write the President.