Christina's Cranium
I can't tell you when I first noticed her, I mean who didn't. Christina Ricci was damn creepy. In addition, she played Wednesday in The Adams Family movie. But it wasn't until she ditched the braids and realized that black wasn't her color that I realized what made her skeeve me.
It's her magnificent forehead.
I'm a pretty cold guy - I'll be the first to admit that, but there's something about making fun of someone else's anatomical imperfections that is particularly ruthless. As a result, I am not proud of myself for writing this, but damn it, it must be done. That thing is way too friggin big.
Her big-ass bean has gotten alot of attention lately too. She was on the cover or at least somewhere inside almost every magazine in the country (I am patiently awaiting my Farmer's Almanac for the weather patterns around her noggin). But strangely her melon fluxuated from photo-shoot to photo-shoot. I'm no photographer, but it seems like they gave her the least gracious angles and most distortive lighting. There must be a conspiracy against her crown.
All kidding aside, I hear she is an excellent actress. I wouldn't know - her booming brow scared me away from the theaters. As for a person, I don't know her either - but she's getting my vote.
I went out with a girl who looked like her (minus the helmet) a couple of years ago. She wanted to be an actress, and was very much into the drama scene (which has made me ward off all drama queens since). Well, she cheated on me and dumped me and life went on. Eventually we became friends again, but something came over me the first time I saw her after "the breakup." She looked different. She bleached her hair. And her eyebrows. I sat there, staring, secretly hoping she got bleach in her eyes.
So, now I like Christina Ricci and her mega-noodle. Here's why: As long as there's a Christina Ricci there won't be a Jeanie Holliday (I'm not mean enough to give her real name). And that makes me happy. It makes me happy that someone will not reach their goals because someone with a bigger head got there first.