My Date with Shania Twain
It was 6:30 when I pulled up to her mansion. As I usually do on first dates, I gave the horn a couple of honks to let her know I had arrived, and to hurry it on up. As it turned out, she was anxiously waiting for me by the window and came strolling out before I had to beep again. She was dressed in black leather -- the tasteful kind -- and displayed her belly button in that sexy Shania Twain way. Her hair was pulled back in a headband. She looked like a million bucks.
As we pulled away from her house, I asked her where she wanted to have dinner.
"Dylan, let's go to your house," she replied in a suggestive tone.
Because I get this type of response all the time, I was a little irritated. Pretending not to notice, I asked, "How about Billybobs? I hear they have some great cheesesteaks."
She smiled politely and we drove to the restaurant.
We ordered a couple of steaks, which turned out to be free of charge after the cook saw Shania (remember the "Seinfeld" where Jerry dates Nikki?). Pretending not to notice the drooling of the other male customers, I tried to spark up a little conversation, "So, what do you think about John Glenn going back into space? My friends and I have a pool for how many days will pass before he has a heart attack. Do you think his body will decompose in space? Now that would make a good study."
"Dylan, I want you," Shania said, staring intently.
Who did she think she was, anyway? This was our first date, and we hadn't even gotten to know each other yet. Did she expect me to just have sex with her? But since I don't like to be rude, I again ignored her comment.
We finished our cheesesteaks and headed over to the Cineplex to catch the new Adam Sandler flick. I asked Shania to go get us seats while I grabbed soda and popcorn. When I entered the theater, a crowd had already formed around my date and was begging for autographs. One thing after another, I thought to myself. As the reel started up, the crowd began to thin out, and I found my way to my seat.
"Did you miss me, sexy?" Shania asked in a sultry voice. I smiled back politely, trying not to make eye contact. It was getting to be a long night...
About halfway through the previews, I felt a hand on my thigh. The nerve of this diva! Out of the corner of my eye, I glanced over at Shania just enough to notice her tongue running across her lip. I quickly gulped down the lump in my throat and refocused my attention on the screen. As I was trying to figure out how to deal with this escalating situation, I felt the top button on my jeans pop open. Jumping out of my seat, I squeeked, "I'll be right back, I forgot the Twizzlers..."
At the end of the movie, I turned to Shania and said, "I just remembered that I have to get up early tomorrow. I guess we’ll have to continue this some other time." She didn't respond, as if she wasn't listening. As we pulled up to her place, she leaned over and started enticingly kissing my ear. This was the last straw. "Look, Shania, this isn't going to work out."
She replied seductively, "Please, Dylan, come inside, just for a little while..."
"I'm sorry. And I think it's best if you don’t call me," I said sternly.
She huffed and whispered "Shit," to herself.