Problems with the Other Bill in Washington What's going on in Washington has me piping mad. Names should be named and resignation letters handed in. The American public is owed some honest answered.
No, I'm not referring to any of the recent sexual mumbo-jumbo in the White House. As far as I'm concerned, the President is the most powerful man in the world--he should be allowed to have as many wives as he wants. What I'm talking about is far graver. Or should I say "gravure"? Yes, I'm talking about the new twenty-dollar bill.
The twenty dollar bill was once a paragon of monetary instruments. It had a sturdy design which proudly stated: "I have a somewhat large amount of money." President Jackson's noble profile insured him a place in history as "that guy on the twenty dollar bill." And the color--ah, the deep green color of a twenty. This was money that Americans could be proud to carry and proud to spend. The twenty was a symbol of America's superiority: rather than making its currency multicolored, modern, and almost impossible to counterfeit (as every other industrialised nation had done), the U.S. proudly retained its old design, daring counterfeiters to do their worst. Would-be crooks knew that American justice would be swift and merciless. That, my friends, was the twenty dollar bill.
Alas, those halcyon days of currency are over. In 1998, the Treasury--the misguided fools!--introduced their "new" design for the twenty. Some thought such a change was inevitable, a logical followup to the redesigned fifty and hundred dollar bills. But while the new fifties and hundreds fit their lofty denominations, with their larger-than-life artwork and crisp look, the new twenty seems to be a pale imitation of its former self. The new Treasury logo is industrial and lifeless, resembling early Soviet design. The watermark image of Jackson is a faint reminder of the glory of the old bill. Are we to believe that America's history is now hidden from view, accesible only to those who seek it out? And what of the "easy-to-read" 20 on the lower corner of the reverse? The symbol here is that America's vision has grown weak, and even our money must act as a crutch. And don't even get me started about the new image of the White House.
But, for me, the worst part of the new twenty dollar bill is surely the enlarged, distended portrait of Andrew Jackson. For shame, you careless engravers! What was once the picture of a great man has been stretched into a monstrosity by what appears to be some half-assed Photoshop job! Are we to believe that "Old Hickory", as his soldiers called him, suffered from hydrocephalus? Was he somehow a progenitor of "it-girl" Christina Ricci? This mighty general has been transformed into the Frankenstein's monster! (Look for yourself--cover the top and sidesof his hairdo and you will see Boris Karloff. All that's missing is the bolts in his neck.)
Do we want our money to scare small children? Do we want to be embarassed to have to "break a twenty"? Do we want this obviously Communist money to poison our economic system? No, my friends--but we must act now if this is to be stopped! If the Treasury gives us Frankenstein, I say that we must do as the upright villagers did, and take up our torches and pitchforks against every U.S. mint! Kill the monster! Kill the monster!
And may the Lord help us when the dollar coin comes.
Note: The author of this piece is just kidding. Please do not commit any seditious acts against the government. If you hate your twenty dollar bills--or any monetary instruments--, please send them to me. God bless America.