Resistance is Futile
The Earth Ship Seabreeze has returned to Storrs sector in response to a growing need amongst the crew for specialized training in performance capacities. Upon return to the sector, we found that previous systems have remained intact and functioned nominally. Most contacts are strong. Morale is high as we go forth into the mire of Heavy Bureaucracy, responding to the call of our bridge plaque and mission statement.
Warning! Incoming enemy dropships detected. Computer analysis of new enemy underway:
"Automaton"- one who responds to social pressure to go somewhere or do something, lacking clear objectives. Generalization is biggest weapon, specificity is unknown.
Warning! Incoming enemy transmissions. Sensors have been jammed. Communications are off-line......frequencies marauded.
HEY YOU!
Welcome to the State University. I can see that your high-school guidance counselors have taught you well. Despite the fact that you obviously lack any sort of direction whatsoever, and have no clue what life is about or why things are they way they are, you and your parents are putting down a great deal of money for a costly college education that you are not yet prepared for. Congratulations!
Fortunately, for students such as yourselves we offer a wide range of generalized majors. What is it you kinda sorta are thinking of perhaps pursuing after this college thing is all over? You can choose from Liberal Arts, Communications, Political Science, Environmental Engineering, and Fine Art. We used to have more specific classes for people with direction, but we found that by offering more streamlined courses we can take far more money out of your pockets. You are here to learn (ha!), and we are here to make money. As long as you understand this basic concept, our mutual time here should be relatively painless.
"We" have absolutely no interest in who you are or why you are here, despite the fact that we made you answer those questions quite thoroughly in your applications. Do you know what we did with those? It's funny! We put all of your SAT scores into a big computer, and those who made the cut were accepted ("the cut" is getting lower every year, because we must accept more students to make more money, although we tend to blame it on you being pretty stupid). After that you are all lump-summed into 5 generalized categories of what you think you want to do.
Anyway, we were saying we have no interest in who you are or why you are here. This is true. We used to leave you alone, in an attempt to not have to look at the disgusting things you do. But we found that you made a mess of our dorms, and that cost us money. So now we have the following rules: inspectors from our school may come into your room without warning any time they want. If things are not the way we think they should be, you will be automatically expelled (no questions asked). And (ha!) you will not receive a refund on your money. But you may face criminal charges.
We found that having a full-time staff costs money, so we fired most of them. Our over-worked professors now sit around trying to write books (because if they don't, we fire them). The name of the State University must be made famous, and frankly, you are too stupid to make us famous. Our professors are not stupid, so they are writing books. Your lecture halls will average 500 students and will be taught by a graduate student who A.) has a specialty which takes his or her focus away from your generalized class, and B.) speaks
very little English. Good luck!
And we can get away with all of this! Do you know why? Of course not!
If you did, you wouldn't be coming here! The reason is that a Bachelor degree doesn't mean anything in today's society anymore, because anybody can get one from a degree mill such as this State University. You will not benefit yourself by working harder than other students: a degree is a degree from this place, and your GPA means nothing, because you can graduate having only taken classes which the average middle-schooler could ace. It's kind of like communism, but it's not, because we're making money. Off of you. And your parents.
Course plotted. Enemy transmission from not-so-distant future plotted. Shooting solution available and ready. Phase one completed, mass-media archives report situation steady. Field agents active and standing by for further instruction. Starfleet Command offers assistance and first choice of requisitions for completion of Mission Statement. Crew reports ready, standing by.
Warp Speed Ahead.
And that, my friends, is a Sham.
Captain's Log, Stardate 092098.215
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