Stop Being Stupid Or Die
While all of these methods have their merits, part of the joy of
American society is that you can be certain that our citizens are working daily
to invent new and exciting ways of letting those in power know they are
unhappy. For example, take the exploits of a few brave young souls on this
campus who have initiated a shocking practice that is guarenteed to gain the
attention of this nation's political leaders.
These selfless young men and women- ever vigilant, always looking for
opportunity- will sneak up on an unsuspecting public telephone and, despite
incredible risk of personal injury or incarceration by the brutal machinations
of the justice system, deliberately remove the handset and then put it back
upside-down!!!
I apologize for those of you who were overcome by rage and fainted away
after that last paragraph, but the point needed to be made bluntly to emphasize
the calibre of the situation.
The writer of this article has born personal witness to the execution
of an attack by one of these highly-trained rebel commandos on an evil SNET
public telephone located in the Drama/ Music building. Walking with a
conspirator, and with a wary eye out for The Man, this professional soldier
turned the handset on the phone upside-down without looking at it, slowing
down, or missing a step. Smooth. Obviously, this is the work of a
highly-trained and secretive organization.
My journalistic instincts surfacing, I waited for the immediate danger
of the situation to pass, then used a secret Press hand signal to indicate to
this mercenary for the public good that I wanted to ask him some questions.
"I am part of a group who does this. We are small, but growing," he
replied. After that he left, no doubt trying to escape the evil Republicans
who probably were even then narrowing in on his position. Still, this left my
questions mostly unanswered.
What does the violation of the telephone mean? Is this an attack
against SBC, thetelecommunications giant which recently acquired SNET in a corporate merger andled to a socially damaging strike? Or perhaps a statement against the world of
capitalism in general, where the rich companies are able to control our
politicians, to the detriment of you, the working person?
Or maybe it is just stupid.
Regardless, I have been inspired by this nameless group of radicals who
struggle against the Evil Empire to restore freedom to the people. And so in
this article I hope to propose another solution to our social ills.. It is my
wish that, like the Upside-Down Public Telephone Handset Hanging Coalition, my
contribution will prove a powerful force against a society which is in danger
of forgetting What's Really Important. And so here, for the first time ever, I
reveal my plans for The Anti-Stupid Army.
Imagine a force of competent individuals who, armed to the teeth with
all of the latest military technology, roamed the streets of America destroying
all persons who have chosen to remain ignorant. Terminating those who would
pollute the gene pool with underachieving eggs and sperm. Eradicating all who
have run away in cowardice from the battlefields in the mighty War Against
Ignorance. Dare you dream with me?
I know what you're thinking. How can I join such a prestigious
organization, which would obviously have an immediate and greatly beneficial
impact on the society in which we must live? All you would have to do is prove
that you are in that percentage of the population which is deemed to have
"above-average intelligence." This will be determined by a simple test. For
your benefit, I have included a sample test question so you can start
practicing:
Q. While taking a walk you notice that your route is such that you
will bypass a public telephone. You have no intent to use it. You should:
A.) Walk past it as though it weren't there
Of course, my Anti-Stupid Army might be slightly ahead of it's time.
As I stated earlier, many different ways of affecting social change exist..
But the lesson is valid-- you and I need to get involved (romantically
speaking). In the meantime, the next time you see a telephone handset hung
upside-down, just think to yourself:
How brave. How futile. How Stupid.
Some people like to affect social change by writing to their state's
senators. Others join community organizations such as Left-Handed Wives of
Veterans of Domestic Wars. Still more people make their voices heard with the
liberal use of automatic weapons.
"I have seen this sort of thing before," I said, speaking in hushed,
quick whispers. "What does it mean? Who is responsible?"
B.) Alter your route because you secretly fear public telephones because they are a Communist Plot just like The Beatles and UConn 2000
C.) Check the coin return for change
D.) Turn the handset upside-down to prove to everyone how smart and cool you are.
Send responses to The Captain