Captain Jebbidiah Quixote Scurvy Presents...

My Trip to Disneyworld
Top 10 Things Not to Do in Disneyworld

10.
Try to pick up girls
9.
Go swimming with the "Pirates of the Carribbean"
8.
Stand up on Space Mountain.
7.
Drink heavily and flash back to 'Nam *
6.
Two words: Spray Paint.
5.
Joke loudly about child molestors.
4.
Become an active participant in everything: parades, rides, whatever.
3.
Jump out on Spaceship Earth and see if that's really Michaelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel.
2.
Flash a laser pointer onto Abraham Lincoln's head in the "Hall of Presidents", then loudly warn him of impending assassination.
1.
Choose a character at random and rip his/her phony plastic head clean off.
*my mom actually saw somebody do this on a Disneyworld bus. Scary.

As many of you don't know, That Tiger Band from my plithy little hometown of Madison, CT. was invited to play at Disneyworld in the Main Street Parade (this sounds like an honor, but consider that 2 schools a day times 365 park days times a 4-year rotation period equals 2,920 high school bands every rotation. Also, this is far from free. Go Tiger Band!). Astute fans of mine know that I'm not in the band, but this was just a minor technicality and I certainly didn't let it get in the way of my big senior trip. I literally shammed my way along, which meant free plane tickets, Disney and Universal Studios passes, hotel rooms, and meals (all of this has merited me a place in the hallowed Templeton Peck Hall Of Sham). You're probably asking how I did it, and let's just say that I'm the new Jazz Timpanist for the Daniel Hand Marching Band.

Anyway, while in Sunny Florida (jealous yet?), I picked up a few souvenirs. Now, honestly, I didn't know that they were Cubans (cigars, stupid), or that alligator export is illegal. But I did legitimately purchase a new T-shirt, eye-patch, and earring, all of which goes well with either my red bandanna or my Gilligan's Island baseball cap. I also picked up a few girls while I was in Disneyworld, using a fake Australian accent and the goofiest hat you've ever seen (this is a true story, folks). Girls (I never got their names), wherever you are, I'm not Sydney from Sydney, a graduate of the University of Sydney, or a bartender. I'm an 18 year old high school virgin from Connecticut, but thanks for the invitation. Maybe next time.

I have never felt as much High School pride as when I saw That Tiger Band, my own friends, come marching down Main Street U.S.A. Unfortunately, I couldn't watch for very long because I was being chased at the time by Park Security.

Helpful Disney Tip: the "always wash your hands after using the bathroom" rule is strictly enforced, even if you're not an employee. Just running your hands under the water after a Number One will NOT suffice. Although, I will admit it must have been hilarious for the other Park guests to watch me get chased down, tackled, beaten into submission, and dragged away by Park Security dressed as the Seven Dwarfs. I hate those $%%^^!!! dwarfs. I really do.

Before I sign off, I'd like to remind you all once again that I went to Disneyworld while you had your sorry behind plugged in to the Internet. And don't feed me any garbage about saving money, I went for FREE, remember??? Now, I'm not going to tell you how I did it....unless you send me money.

ARRR!!!!!

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