My takeover of UConn
Some of you may ask if I feel bad about this, and the answer is no,
absolutely not, because it has come to my attention recently that nobody
reads "Captain Scurvy Presents" anyway, not even my younger brother Mark who
had a shot at being "Cannonball Joe", my faithful sidekick, but blew it.
Mark, if you're reading this, you'd better start reading ALL of the old
Captain Scurvy articles if you ever want to be Cannonball Joe. And for those
of you who were glad that I was out of contact for quite some time, I say go
consign yourselves to the briny deep. You people make my life miserable.
Speaking of misery, let's talk about my situation up here at UConn.
The dorm I live in, called "Jefferson Bloc" at the "Towers" cell complex, looks new on
the outside but is falling apart on the inside. I literally had to rebuild
every last piece of furniture in the room....well, not me, but the guy who
does repairs around here. Also, the room is small. Now, I know that rooms
for freshmen at any college are going to be small, but don't forget that this
is a state university. Have any of you ever gone camping with twelve people
inside a trailer? That's the general idea here. Also, Towers Cell Complex
is a good fifteen minute walk from the main campus, and here's the good part.
Depending on which way you go from and come back to Towers, you can
literally make the trip up hill both ways. This is a source of constant joy
in my college life, I can assure you. The good news is that the "freshman
15" is working in reverse for me. I am getting fit and trim with each step I
take, to the point where my grandmother doesn't believe they're feeding me up
here. But that's another issue.
The view from my window is gorgeous. I look out upon a beautiful green
field. And do you know how they keep that field beautifully green? Manure, and lots
of it.
Once a month they put the stuff down, and for the rest of the week it reeks
up here. The day I arrived on campus they decided to spray the fields, and
oy vey, what a stink. Not many people know this, but cows can be
obnoxiously loud. And when you try to tip them over in the night so you can
finally get some sleep, you find out that, despite their build, cows can be
relatively fast when they want to be. It was embarassing when the university
police apprehended me in my pajamas as I chased after a one-ton mammal (sort
of like that incident with the whale I steadfastly refuse to talk about).
My floor is the Animal House. Now, I know partying, and I know
PARTYING.
This floor is insane, which, in retrospect, is probably why I was assigned to
live here. Yesterday the boyz were kicking a basketball back and forth down the hall,
like a violent game of middle-school dodge ball. This was unbeknownst to me
as I stepped out into the hall to go to the bathroom and suddenly flashed
back to Jack Lilburn pelting me with playground balls for the making of "Dub
Taylor" (see Chris' summer letter on the main page). Here's a tip:
basketballs hurt. ALOT. Please don't throw them at people. And if you are
ever in a situation where you have to throw a basketball at somebody, don't
aim for the crotch. Needless to say, my desire to go to the bathroom
increased dramatically a few seconds after I stepped out into the hall.
I could go on, but I won't for a few good reasons. First of all,
nobody isreading this (not even Chris, who checks these things for grammatical errors. He
does it word-by- word, so he won't have to actually read it [ed.- It's true]). Secondly, it's
not funny, which is why nobody is reading it. And third, this thing is
getting long, which greatly reduces the chances of anyone's ever reading it.
So until next time, "Keep the Sun outta yer Eyes, Act Natural, Life's an
Adventure". Be looking out for the Captain Scurvy Homepage, which will be
released eventually.
Hey everybody!!! I'm back. Many of you might have noticed that I have
been out of contact for quite some time. This blackout was due to my arrival at UConn
as a freshman acting major, which I have since learned is the absolute lowest
thing one can be on this campus. Operation "Ducky" Husky will be a regular
feature of "Captain Scurvy Presents" for now on, serving as a forum for all of
the true but dumb things that happen to me here at college. For today,
however, I decided to devote all of my space to Operation "Ducky" Husky.
* To which I responded by blasting "YMCA". The R.A. broke it up by blasting "Barney Live",
making us all sick. He's a smart guy, my R.A.
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