This is for a number of reasons. The first and most important reason is that if you are single (as I am), this holiday serves to remind you that either because of your A.) phsyical ugliness or B.) lack of personality or C.) both or D.) Stupidity (that latter of which is my fault); you are inescapably single and probably will remain that way for the rest of your miserable existence. You will suffer a week of watching people prepare absolutely ridiculous plans for the evening with their "loved ones" who will probably be dumping them on Valentine's Day anyway for another guy because girls SUCK. Oh, excuse me. You will suffer on Valentine's Day as your friends abandon you on an otherwise perfectly good Saturday to make out with their significant other when they could have been watching "The Blues Brothers" for the 248th time with you on a 13" monitor in a cramped dorm room with nine other single guys who are trying to get drunk and will later attempt to get "laid" because guys SUCK. Ahem, sorry. And you will suffer after Valentine's Day as people from both sexes talk to you about how much fun they had with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and how romantic it all was. And you'll want to puke. But that's only if you're single, because this holiday SUCKS.
If you happen to be in a relationship (HA HA HA HA), Valentine's Day is a whole different nightmare. If you are a guy, Valentine's Day is, plain and simple, a trap. It is a day where you have no choice but to do wonderfully sweet things for your girlfriend. You might be a completely terrific boyfriend for the other 364 days of the year, but if you screw up on Valentine's Day, The End Is Nigh. So you go crazy making ridiculously expensive plans only to find out when the Big (Crappy) Day ingloriously arrives that your sweet petunia has been sleeping with your best friend since the night after you started going out. If you are a girl, Valentine's Day is nothing but a disappointment. Because that one special thing you so wanted to do just isn't going to happen. If you love opera, your boyfriend will take you to see ice hockey. If you love romantic walks on the beach, guess what: it's freaking cold outside. It's a no-win scenario. And worse, too many times your boyfriend will get frustrated and try to make you feel guilty. Example: "Well it's not my fault I've been sleeping with Clarissa, Jane, Paula, and Julie. If you had just been doing my homework like I asked you to instead of trying to pursue that ridiculous singing thing then this whole situation never would have happened. And you never once wore that bikini I bought you for Christmas, even though it's freaking cold outside. So I slept with Christine, so what? Oh, did I mention Christine? I also slept with Tracy, Casey, Stacy, Macy, Lacey, and somebody named Angel, but she was a prostitue so you really can't count that."
Do you see what I mean?
So friends, don't let this so-called "holiday" get you down. Valentine's Day is not a big deal at all. And to make sure that you don't go crazy having to deal with this purely Hallmark event, let me tell you my secret for success:
You'll find this solves all your Valentine's Day-oriented problems. But hey,
don't take my word for it.
I hate Valentine's Day.
Go to Wal-Mart.
Buy A Gun.
Shoot Anyone Walking Next To Anyone Else.
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